The script is already finished and when it gets read seems to be getting some positive responses, but I can't get my logline good enough to catch people's attention. This is about the 100th version. Any help or advice to improve it?
While trying to find the truth that is hidden beneath the lies regarding his friend's death, he's quite literally haunted by what he thinks is his friend's ghost until it's revealed that he's not dead at all. Finally, Donal realizes something much stranger is happening, and the lies slowly unravel into reality.
Hi, Shaun have you tried following the logline builder we have? We also have some nice samples on that page you can use as a guide. I have to agree with Chris on this one. This is a bit confusing as we can't see what the actual story is here or who the central character is.
Try following these steps and post it. That will help us guide you a bit:
How to Build Your Logline
- Who is my Central Character?
- Describe them, don’t use their name, e.g., a salt of the earth mechanic, a stressed-out lawyer
- What does my character need?
- Discovered in Act I
- Who/What is stopping them?
- Include what makes the Antagonist a real threat.
- What makes my story unique?
- Can be based around the concept or
- an emotional hook such as the stakes the central character faces.
I wrote this before using the framework and then put my next attempt below. Let me know if you think it's better. I think it sounds much better.
Donal a gullible petrol station attendant is sucked into a web of lies as he tries to discover the truth behind his friend's death. Haunted by his friend’s ghost, he discovers an elaborate practical joke which following its revelation unwinds into reality.
How to Build Your Logline
- Who is my Central Character?
- Describe them, don’t use their name, e.g., a salt of the earth mechanic, a stressed-out lawyer
- What does my character need?
- Discovered in Act I
- Who/What is stopping them?
- Include what makes the Antagonist a real threat.
- What makes my story unique?
- Can be based around the concept or
- an emotional hook such as the stakes the central character faces.
1 Donal is a Gullible Petrol Station Attendant
2 To discover the truth about this friend's death.
2 following the revelation the need is switched and Donal first whats to get away from them and then he realizes he needs to try to stop fate.
3 The lies that all of his friends are telling him. Each person contradicts and changes the story a little as they all try to convince him of the lies they are telling him.
4 he isn’t dead, it was all an elaborate practical joke but this practical joke comes true. Also, each character tells the story through the prism of a different genre.
Ok, I’ve tried this format…
Donal, a gullible Petrol Station Attendant, must overcome his naiveness to find the truth behind his friend's apparent death.
Shaun, it's coming along! Rework it again with our framework. I also agree with Chris to not bury the story here. So, I'll start you off but I don't want to do the work for you. "A gullible petrol station attendant must unravel the mystery of his friend's death..."
Thank you both so much this has really helped to focus my thoughts having someone to bouncy my ideas off.
This is my latest attempt. I've spent most of the day working on it.
Constrained by his gullibility Donal a Petrol Station Attendant attempts to find out why he’s being haunted by the ghost of his friend even though he’s not dead.
That’s really getting there! I am beginning to see the movie. We are still missing a bit of what the stakes/antagonist are though. I want you to find a similar film to yours and compare your logline with theirs. Use it as a template like the samples we provide on here. Keep playing with it and tweaking it because your logline has already significantly improved.
I really had a hard time finding anything even remotely close to the overall premise. I'm sure there are lots out there, but I can't find any.
Some of the closest films to what the feature is like are Inception, Alice in Wonderland and any British kitchen sink or gritty realism so I’ve used the DRIPNECK framework in the same way as I have in the script as a technical structure to build the story around.
Dripneck is a gritty, Realistic Inception Portraying a NeoWonderlandesque Ensemble of characters playing with Donal’s Chaotic mind, not Knowing the possible dangers his fractured mind presents.
The antagonists are the ensemble of friends.
The stakes are not knowing where Donal's mind will take them or bending reality.
This interesting but we have gone off the rails a bit here.
Let’s use Alice in Wonderland. Here is the 2010 film logline.
Nineteen-year-old Alice returns to the magical world from her childhood adventure, where she reunites with her old friends and learns of her true destiny: to end the Red Queen's reign of terror.
You can see clearly who the protagonist is, her goal, and the antagonist.
I agree, you're right about drifting off a little (or alot), I'm really struggling with the protagonist though as I split the whole story in two. So the first act is mirrored in the third act but the action is distorted and inverted. So Act 1 the protagonist is the collective ensemble, while in Act 3 the protagonist is actually also the main protagonist. He is simply not aware of the fact that he is creating the new reality.
Ok. There is your issue. The problem with your logline is that story itself may be a bit muddy which is why you are having trouble boiling it down a bit. There needs to be 1 central character. Build from that.
I'm starting to feel your pain. lol