The script is already finished and when it gets read seems to be getting some positive responses, but I can't get my logline good enough to catch people's attention. This is about the 100th version. Any help or advice to improve it?
While trying to find the truth that is hidden beneath the lies regarding his friend's death, he's quite literally haunted by what he thinks is his friend's ghost until it's revealed that he's not dead at all. Finally, Donal realizes something much stranger is happening, and the lies slowly unravel into reality.
Hi, Shaun have you tried following the logline builder we have? We also have some nice samples on that page you can use as a guide. I have to agree with Chris on this one. This is a bit confusing as we can't see what the actual story is here or who the central character is.
Try following these steps and post it. That will help us guide you a bit:
How to Build Your Logline
- Who is my Central Character?
- Describe them, don’t use their name, e.g., a salt of the earth mechanic, a stressed-out lawyer
- What does my character need?
- Discovered in Act I
- Who/What is stopping them?
- Include what makes the Antagonist a real threat.
- What makes my story unique?
- Can be based around the concept or
- an emotional hook such as the stakes the central character faces.
I wrote this before using the framework and then put my next attempt below. Let me know if you think it's better. I think it sounds much better.
Donal a gullible petrol station attendant is sucked into a web of lies as he tries to discover the truth behind his friend's death. Haunted by his friend’s ghost, he discovers an elaborate practical joke which following its revelation unwinds into reality.
How to Build Your Logline
- Who is my Central Character?
- Describe them, don’t use their name, e.g., a salt of the earth mechanic, a stressed-out lawyer
- What does my character need?
- Discovered in Act I
- Who/What is stopping them?
- Include what makes the Antagonist a real threat.
- What makes my story unique?
- Can be based around the concept or
- an emotional hook such as the stakes the central character faces.
1 Donal is a Gullible Petrol Station Attendant
2 To discover the truth about this friend's death.
2 following the revelation the need is switched and Donal first whats to get away from them and then he realizes he needs to try to stop fate.
3 The lies that all of his friends are telling him. Each person contradicts and changes the story a little as they all try to convince him of the lies they are telling him.
4 he isn’t dead, it was all an elaborate practical joke but this practical joke comes true. Also, each character tells the story through the prism of a different genre.
Ok, I’ve tried this format…
Donal, a gullible Petrol Station Attendant, must overcome his naiveness to find the truth behind his friend's apparent death.
Shaun, it's coming along! Rework it again with our framework. I also agree with Chris to not bury the story here. So, I'll start you off but I don't want to do the work for you. "A gullible petrol station attendant must unravel the mystery of his friend's death..."
Thank you both so much this has really helped to focus my thoughts having someone to bouncy my ideas off.
This is my latest attempt. I've spent most of the day working on it.
Constrained by his gullibility Donal a Petrol Station Attendant attempts to find out why he’s being haunted by the ghost of his friend even though he’s not dead.
That’s really getting there! I am beginning to see the movie. We are still missing a bit of what the stakes/antagonist are though. I want you to find a similar film to yours and compare your logline with theirs. Use it as a template like the samples we provide on here. Keep playing with it and tweaking it because your logline has already significantly improved.
I really had a hard time finding anything even remotely close to the overall premise. I'm sure there are lots out there, but I can't find any.
Some of the closest films to what the feature is like are Inception, Alice in Wonderland and any British kitchen sink or gritty realism so I’ve used the DRIPNECK framework in the same way as I have in the script as a technical structure to build the story around.
Dripneck is a gritty, Realistic Inception Portraying a NeoWonderlandesque Ensemble of characters playing with Donal’s Chaotic mind, not Knowing the possible dangers his fractured mind presents.
The antagonists are the ensemble of friends.
The stakes are not knowing where Donal's mind will take them or bending reality.
This interesting but we have gone off the rails a bit here.
Let’s use Alice in Wonderland. Here is the 2010 film logline.
Nineteen-year-old Alice returns to the magical world from her childhood adventure, where she reunites with her old friends and learns of her true destiny: to end the Red Queen's reign of terror.
You can see clearly who the protagonist is, her goal, and the antagonist.
I agree, you're right about drifting off a little (or alot), I'm really struggling with the protagonist though as I split the whole story in two. So the first act is mirrored in the third act but the action is distorted and inverted. So Act 1 the protagonist is the collective ensemble, while in Act 3 the protagonist is actually also the main protagonist. He is simply not aware of the fact that he is creating the new reality.
Ok. There is your issue. The problem with your logline is that story itself may be a bit muddy which is why you are having trouble boiling it down a bit. There needs to be 1 central character. Build from that.
As I read the above log line I’m not sure what the story is actually about?
what’s the ultimate goal of the character/plot?
I like the twist, a lot, but you are, in my opinion, downplaying it. Delaying getting to the punch - and as I tried to run a log line in my head I didn’t know what to out as the final hook.
Haunted by his best friend’s ghost, Donal investigates past the lies to discover his friend is actually still alive…
again - for the record, it sounds like a wickedly cool plot!
Thanks for your comments, Chris. I think you're right about the lack of focus. I was trying to be clever with the ending as the lies that he had been told do actually start to become true. But Donal's motivation changes from wanting to find out what happened to his friend to try to save his friend as it becomes more and more clear to them that he could die in the end.
I'll keep bashing away at it.
Shaun
Hmm.
Thinking he’s being haunted by his best friends ghost Donal investigates the murder only to discover his friend is alive, and now as he questions his reality of lies he must act to save his friend’s life.
I’m over complicating it in the above, but I like how the protagonists arc changes.
Great attempt. thanks for the inspiration. I've made another attempt. well ... It's still not right but it's better hopefully what do you think?
Haunted by his friend's ghost Donal fights through the lies to find out what happened until his friend walks back into his reality living and breathing. But the ghost still remains and now others see it too.
I think you’re closer- it still feels a little word heavy to me.
it also doesn’t really say what the protagonist is ultimately up against (unless I’m just missing it it - I haven’t had coffee yet this morning). 🙂
Do you think I should add some reference to the fake reality (the lies) that from that started to become true and refer to it as fate or something like this?
It’s hard to say without reading the actual script. The whole purpose of the log line is to tease the story - make the reader (producer) WANT to read the script.
who the protagonist is, what they are up against and the stakes they face to achieve the goal.
All in as few words as possible that hopefully flow together well.
I spend almost as much time on the log line as I do on the script itself. And even then I’m only really happy with my log about a third of the time.
But I really like the twist about the ghost - hmm?
A slacker Petrol station clerk is forced to investigate after he’s haunted by his friend’s ghost, only to learn his friend is still alive and what’s he’s really found is a destructive crack in reality that only he can fix.
again, just an attempt at it without knowing the true story. I’m still not sure I’m anywhere close though. 🤷♂️ 🙂
best,
chris
You really helped me to think from a different POV with the logline. I was losing what the story was about and the aesthetic of it. Thanks so much for your help. Just the knowledge that others spend ridiculous amounts of time on just a few lines is reassuring as sometimes I feel like I spend to much time endlessly rewriting this.
I can’t begin to tell you how much time I’ve lost in crafting and shaping log lines. 🙂